Theatrical Releases: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Parker, & Movie 43

HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS || January 25th, 2013

HanselandGretelWitchHunters-poster HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS || While partaking in “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” I had a few revelations. For starters, there are not enough R rated fantasy films being made. As tawdry as this film could sometimes come off, there was enough blood, nudity, and violence to satisfy in the most menial but effective ways. Also, the use of actuals for the creature the Troll was a nice addition and proves that actual effects still outweigh CGI in quality. Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton are beyond talented, which helps keep this fantasy film from falling off the deep end. Arterton is as gorgeous as always, nabbing the spotlight in all of her scenes, while Renner keeps his role grounded and commands most of his fast-paced action sequences. Allowing the film some self-awareness, with characters often speaking for the audience (“you’ve got to be f***ing kidding me”), keeps this film from becoming too serious. And an intense score from Hans Zimmer gives the film some class. Obviously this is a film about a fairytale, but to completely spin it into a killer, adult-oriented action film, and do so effectively was quite the risk and to me it pays off. And at a run-time of 88 minutes, who can complain with an action film that picks up and never lets go?

DV-poster DV || I loved “V/H/S”, I have a feeling I will love “S-V/H/S” but this new film, “DV” just looks horrific in the most non-complimentary way. For starters, you cannot reference these previous films if your current film has absolutely nothing to do with the originals. As far as I know, the creator of “DV” has no affiliation whatsoever with the originals. We’re talking about a film that I could have shot on my own handheld camera, edited together using the most generic lettering and concept ever, and pass it off as a film worth playing in theaters. That’s offensive and atrocious.
PASS
HappyPeople-poster HAPPY PEOPLE: A YEAR IN THE TAIGA || Werner Herzog is easily one of my all-time favorite documentary filmmakers and before you even tell me what his documentary is about, I already want to see it. He is thoughtful, innovative, and has a complete vision which makes his films spectacles to watch. Most of this trailer is just visuals and music and Herzog himself explaining what the Taiga is and I could not be more thrilled to eventually see this film. RENT
JohnDiesAtTheEnd-poster JOHN DIES AT THE END || “John Dies At The End” appears to be a very trippy film starring Paul Giamatti, with an appearance by Doug Jones. About a drug that causes hallucinations, there’s a lot going on in this film and most of it probably isn’t real. I cannot say I’ve see “Bubba Ho-Tep” or  any other films by Don Coscarelli, so his name on the film is completely lost to me. But it’s just slightly enough of an intrigue that I might catch it at some point. STREAM
KnifeFight-poster KNIFE FIGHT || All this star power and nothing to show for it. Rob Lowe leads this large group of celebrities in a politically charged governors election, starring mostly females, like Julie Bowen, Carrie-Anne Moss, and Jennifer Morrison. The only reason I would even think about seeing this film is to see Julie Bowen (“Modern Family”) in her underwear. STREAM
Movie43-poster MOVIE 43 || I saw an early cut of this film and it was horrible. From what I’ve read and heard, it’s gotten even worse. For the most part, a slew of unrelated “comedic” shorts involving big time celebrities, many of which have been nominated or have won Academy Awards, including Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, and Halle Berry, this is getting to point of being worse than the “Scary Movie” or spoof films… these are “original” ideas. PASS
Noobz-poster NOOBZ || Watching people play video games is only so much fun. Watching a film about people playing video games is just a horrible idea. A horrible trailer for a horrible film with absolutely nothing going for it. PASS
Parker-poster PARKER || Jennifer Lopez is back to acting apparently in the newest Jason Statham film. I am apt to see most of his films, even if they can turn out quite crappy (i.e. “Safe” from last year). However, his unique brand of action packed, beat-em-up-and-blow-em-up films are quite entertaining and the same looks to be the same for “Parker”. With Lopez looking hot and an interesting supporting cast of Michael Chiklis and Nick Nolte, this could be one Statham’s better releases as of late. RENT
Resolution-poster RESOLUTION || “Resolution” looks positively fucked up in the best of ways. What starts off as a dingy, poor quality trailer turns into a metaphysical horror thriller with dark undertones. It may not be anything shiny and worthwhile, but I am convinced that I need to see this film. RENT
TasteOfMoney-poster THE TASTE OF MONEY || You cannot deny “The Taste Of Money” looks great and that shot where the young man walks into the vault filled with bricks of cash is phenomenal, I just can’t help thinking this film isn’t really doing anything revolutionary or groundbreaking enough to warrant me going out of my way to see. It’s about greed and sex, been there and done that. STREAM
Yossi-poster YOSSI || I am afraid I cannot relate to “Yossi” and though it does come off like a very passionate film about two men falling in love, I really do not see myself enjoying it on any level. PASS

THEATER

  • Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

RENT

  • Happy People: A Year In The Taiga
  • Parker
  • Resolution

STREAM

  • John Dies At The End
  • Knife Fight
  • The Taste Of Money

PASS

  • DV
  • Movie 43
  • Noobz
  • Yossi

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