Theatrical Releases: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES || August 8th, 2014

TheHundredFootJourney-poster Said with a little pain, it has been a long time since Helen Mirren could sell a film entirely by herself. But oddly enough, Oprah and Steven Spielberg team up as producers on this foreign soil restaurant competition film as Mirren plays a French cuisine aficionado as an Indian restaurant opens across the street. Already from the trailer, the coexistence will form and they will all be better for it. If I am going to see this movie, however, it will likely me to see Mirren.
25% MAYBE
IntoTheStorm-poster Despite the cheesiness that will almost certainly ensue, “Into The Storm” is a spectacle that if it is going to be seen at all, it should be seen in the theaters for maximum effectiveness. Following almost literally in the footsteps of “Twister”, the film is set in a huge storm system as it tears a part a town. The sad part of all of this is, whereas “Twister” focused more on the human relationships and story, “Into The Storm” carries done of that, acting more like an amusement park ride than anything else.
THEATER
StepUpAllIn-poster Not even gorgeous women could get me to see this film. Apparently I took a stand eight years ago when the first “Step Up” came out and now, as time has passed, we land on the fifth installment of the series, which attempts to bring back memorable cast members from previous sequels (no Channing Tatum though, sorry). “Step Up All In” takes the dance to Vegas where the dancers compete for a show on the strip. Sounds like they are already bottom-feeding if that is their highest achievement goals.
PASS
TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles-poster Still carrying some of the magic of the original series, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” beefs up its main heroes and hopefully sets the characters up for their own franchise. Filled with humor and action, both taking front seat to story, this Michael Bay produced action-adventure definitely feels like it, with stunning visuals and erratic camera work. That being said, despite Megan Fox still not displaying great acting prowess and Shredder being a CGI joke, the film does hold true to the nature of the turtles and at least delivers a little nostalgia for anyone willing to give into its appeal.

37-poster Filled to the brim with melodrama, why in the hell would you wait for your random thirty-seventh birthday to kill yourself? Hopefully that is explained in the film, but honestly, I will never know. “37: A Final Promise” tells the story of a fictional rock star who, on his thirty-seventh birthday, plans to kill himself to atone for something he did as a child. But having fallen in love and not quite willing to give that up, the rock star teeters on the decision of whether to end it or not. Since I am not sure what he did or why he chose that birthday, there are a few questions that I will apparently never know.
PASS
AboutAlex-poster Similar to a film that came out this year titled “The Big Ask” about a group of friends coming together to console a friend whose mother passed away, “About Alex” is a group of friends coming together after one of their friends attempts suicide. Filled with an amazing ensemble cast including Max Greenfield (“New Girl”), Maggie Grace (“Californication”, “Taken”), Aubrey Plaza (“Parks And Recreation”), Jany Levy (“Evil Dead”), Max Minghella (“The Social Network”), and Jason Ritter (“Parenthood”) this is a must-see off that alone.
THEATER
After2014-poster First of all, at the end of this trailer, a list of names is revealed and besides an Academy Award nominee in Kathleen Quinlan (“Apollo 13”), I do not recognize a single one. “After” is a hard drama about a family dealing with some financial hardship as a buried secret rears its head to be revealed. None of this comes through that clear in the trailer and honestly, even the promise of this bombshell secret is not enough to get me to see it. Had this been a bigger director and not unknown Pieter Gaspersz, or had the cast been something more recognizable perhaps I could have gotten on board.
PASS
TheBoxcarChildren-poster Ever since I was a little kid, I have hoped for a film or television series based off the popular children’s book series “The Boxcar Children” about four kids living in a boxcar. But never in my hopes did I wish for such a poor excuse for an animated film with the name of the series on it. I will give some credit as Martin Sheen, J.K. Simmons, and Joey King offer their voices but the animation looks so old and underdeveloped that it is almost laughable compared to the work put out by Disney and Pixar. I am glad this series is still alive but if films like this keep coming out, it might not stay that way.
PASS
DeepSeaChallenge3D-poster As interesting as both the Mariana Trench and deep sea diving are, I really have no interest in seeing a documentary about James Cameron being one of the only people ever to travel down to the deepest part of our ocean. With rumors that the second “Avatar” film will be shot down there, I am really wondering how the life threatening conditions that come along with diving will effect the cast and crew that becomes involved with this film. Exploration is important, and I understand that, but it also seems like Cameron might have a death wish.
PASS
TheDog-poster As entertaining as the film “Dog Day Afternoon” is, a documentary chronicling the man behind the real life events that inspired the film really does not seem as entertaining. Caught up in his own story, John Wojtowicz describes the events leading up to the bank robbery covered in Sidney Lumet’s film as well as what happened after, finishing the trailer with an admission of guilt and proclamation that he would do it all over again. “The Dog” may provide a real life character in Wojtowicz but as will most films, I would rather just see Al Pacino playing the man.
25% MAYBE
DragonBallZ-BattleOfGods-poster Seeing as this was a special theatrical event, even if I wanted to see “Dragonball Z: Battle Of Gods”, the film is already out of theaters. Good thing, then, that I do not want to see it. I would say anime ranks slightly higher than Bollywood films on my list of genres that I am not a fan of, meaning anime is almost at the bottom, mostly due to a non-understanding of the films. Miyazaki’s anime speaks to me only because they are normally dramas or slight fantasies while “Dragonball Z” is some sort of action battle where I know zero of the characters and the lore is lost on me.
PASS
EasterSunday-poster There are such things as B-horror movies that embrace their campy nature but still produce something of value and then there are horror films below that, which we might as well refer to as F-horror films. “Easter Sunday” is a prime example of the latter. My first and main question is: was this film shot on a home video camera? With some of the worst looking footage I have ever seen from any film ever released, there is absolutely zero production quality to this film. I could shoot something on my iPhone that would probably look better than this. The effects of dismal and the acting is a joke. This sets film-making back almost thirty years.
HELL NO
FifiHowlsFromHappiness-poster A documentary based on the reclusive Iranian painter, Bahman Mohassess, known in the art community as the “Persian Picasso”, “Fifi Howls From Happiness” sets out to first find him and then gather his story. A gay man in pre-revolutionary Iran, Mohassess does not think about his paintings once he is done with them but they are apparently some of the most valuable collectibles around, with most of his worst having been destroyed when a hostile regime took power in Iran before he escaped off to live a quiet life in Italy. An interesting man in his own right, most artists have to be a little eccentric for their art to have depth and emotion.
PASS
Lyle-poster In searching for the trailer for the independent flm “Lyle” starring Gaby Hoffmann, I actually found that on the website for the film you can actually watch the entire feature for free. Having not yet jumped into the film, I do not know what to expect or what to suggest to potential viewers but on purely face value I will be a maybe. Having no real connection to Hoffman, the horror film is described as the “lesbian Rosemary’s Baby” which is a great precursor as the actual “Rosemary’s Baby” is one of my favorite horror films of all time.
25% MAYBE
TheMaidsRoom-poster As far as thrillers go, “The Maid’s Room” does not look absolutely horrible. With a rich family introducing a maid into their rarely used house, it is not until she witnesses their son doing something bad that the tension begins to build. Very attactrive and perfectly capabale, Paula Garcés (“Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle”) stars as the maid and if there is any reason to see this film it is for one of her first leading turns. Otherwise, the trailer makes this feel like your average high tension thriller.
25% MAYBE
Mercenaries-poster First of all, really bad copy on the part of whoever did the marketing for this small little action movie, with one of the cards reading “the best men for the job are Mercenaries”. Yes, you got the title of the film in the copy but this is an action film entirely about women. If they are making a joke out the fact that they are women, then I do not get it. It simply seems sort of offensive to the ladies in the film. Capitalizing off the success of the all male cast in “Expendables”, “Mercenaries” attempts to bring in the female action stars in Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, and Vivica A. Fox but it simply comes off poorly produced and cheesy.
PASS
Pulp-poster Not being familiar with the 1970’s English band Pulp, their documentary, “Pulp: A Film About Life, Death, and Supermarkets” really does not land for me. Beginning with two little girls being asked if they want to be in a film, I found little connection between this and the actual trailer itself. In fact, the trailer is rather hard to follow. What seems to be them setting up their biggest show to date, I am guessing the band looks back at itself and the long road it has taken to get where they are today, which is a great documentary that I would not mind seeing for a band I had actually heard of.
PASS
WebJunkie-poster Two weeks in a row there have been documentaries about the issue being dubbed “internet addiction”. Both set in Asian countries where the line between virtual and reality is apparently blending even more than in the States, “Web Junkie” steps inside a rehab facility aimed at curing young adults from their addiction to the web. This is completely understandable if these young adults are doing inappropriate things because they are not sure what is real and what is not, but otherwise it starts to feel like a way for parents to label there kids’ problems without blaming bad parenting.
PASS

THEATER

  • About Alex
  • Into The Storm
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

RENTAL

MOST LIKELY CATCH ON NETFLIX (75%)

PROBABLY CATCH ON NETFLIX (50%)

MIGHT CATCH ON NETFLIX (25%)

  • The Dog
  • The Hundred-Foot Journey
  • Lyle (available online)
  • The Maid’s Room

PASS

  • 37: The Final Promise
  • After (2014)
  • The Boxcar Children
  • Dragonball Z: Battle Of Gods
  • James Cameron’s Deepsea Challenge 3D
  • Mercenaries
  • Pulp: A Film About Life, Death, and Supermarkets
  • Step Up All In
  • Web Junkie

HELL NO

  • Easter Sunday

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