SAN ANDREAS || May 29th, 2015

Aloha-poster ALOHA || Everyone was hoping this was going to be Cameron Crowe’s redemption after a string of haphazard dramas that drew on zero audiences. With an all-star cast in place of Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone, Rachel McAdams, Danny McBride, Alex Baldwin, and Bill Murray, there was almost no way he could mess it up. But mess it up he did. Having seen an earlier cut of the film, it hardly felt like a narrative at all, let alone even a film. With caricatures for characters and zero useable dialogue, the film is a disaster and one more nail in the coffin of Crowe’s career.
PASS
Results-poster RESULTS || As much as I enjoy Guy Pearce and am warming up to Cobie Smulders, “Results” is simply too quirky for its own good. Pearce runs a gym full of personal trainers, including Smulders, who he has his eyes on. But when an awkward new client comes in (played by Kevin Corrigan) who also is interested, Pearce takes offense. But what should be a romantic comedy or at very least an interesting drama, comes off like a terrible dark comedy where no one is happy and there is absolutely no end goal.
PASS
SanAndreas-poster SAN ANDREAS || Disaster films, though relevant in our day and age, are easily played out just because of the fact that if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Buildings falling here, ground falling out below you there. People screaming, running, or fleaing, all to get away from earthquakes, tidal waves, or tornadoes. The only difference in this film is Dwayne Johnson is to the rescue instead of say John Cusack (“2012”) or Jake Gyllenhaal (“The Day After Tomorrow”). That being said, part of me needs to know just how bad this film actually is.
25% MAYBE

BarelyLethal-poster BARELY LETHAL || When Steve-O is the best part of your trailer, you are probably not doing something right, especially is your film is pointed at teenage girls. I will give “Barely Lethal” some credit for getting such a well known cast, including Hailee Steinfeld, Jessica Alba, Samuel L. Jackson, and Sophie Turner. But having an undercover agent teenager blending into society does not make for a very compelling film, especially as far as adults are concerned, with this feeling very much like a Disney special rather than a feature film.
PASS
ClubLife-poster CLUB LIFE || Jerry Ferrara or as most know him as Turtle from “Entourage” takes his biggest step away from the show with his leading role in “Club Life,” playing an entrepreneur that brings hot females to a club for some reason or another. But with his father’s skyrocketing medical bills and a mother and sister to support, there is definitely more than meets the eye with him. But desperation can cause one to reach too far. As good as he is as Turtle, Jerry simply does not have the wherewithal quite yet to be taken as a main event player. Not yet anyway.
PASS
GadaarTheTraitor-poster GADAAR || As always, Indian film-making is completely foreign to me. Not only are there definite choices made that I do not understand across all of these films, but there are even differing quality issues within the same film that are not quite explainable. On top of that, the story of “Gadaar” is so convoluted in the trailer that I have absolutely zero idea what the film is about. With no standout performances or zero understanding of the genre, this is a hard pass.
PASS
GemmaBovery-poster GEMMA BOVERY || I amuse myself in the things that peak my interest in regards to seeing films. How something as simple as one actress can make me see a film that I would otherwise not see, while another film will have just the slightest dip in quality and that will be a deal breaker. Gemma Arterton is an actress I would watch in just about anything, and with her playing the seductress when her and her husband move to a new town, it is quite likely I will see this just for her.
50% PROBABLY
HeavenKnowsWhat-poster HEAVEN KNOWS WHAT || Talked about for blending fact and fiction in the story of a heroine addict, “Heaven Knows What” has been premiering at all the major festivals and comes out just before the release of lead actress Arielle Holmes’ memoirs about her time living on the street in New York as a, you guessed it, heroine addict. Filmmakers Josh and Benny Safdie are not known to me, but kudos to them for getting noticed.
PASS
IBelieveInUnicorns-poster I BELIEVE IN UNICORNS || “Troubled young love” is the one liner for “I Believe In Unicorns,” a SXSW darling that delves into the imagination of a young woman as she traverses through a love that ends up not being the best thing for her. The trailer leans on its many reviews from high up places, marking this as quite the emotional and visual experience, but with very little structure and nothing standing out to me, this is one that I don’t feel bad missing.
PASS
Survivor-poster SURVIVOR || You have to wonder sometimes what draws bigger name actors to certain films. Take “Survivor” for example. The cast is jaw-dropping featuring Pierce Brosnan, Milla Jovovich, Dylan McDermott, Angela Bassett, and Robert Forster as well as “V For Vendetta” director James McTeigue. But its 8% on Rotten Tomatoes and its almost straight-to-DVD release has to make you question what the actors saw to make them take a chance on this film, because I just don’t see an ounce of appeal.
PASS
TuDorsNicole-poster TU DORS NICOLE || There is something awkwardly pleasant about “Tu Dors Nicole,” which delivers dark comedy in the life of a teenager girl. Moments like the opening where two girls question where they’re going, with both responding they were following one another. Or the end moment, where Nicole and a friend try to get her bike back while a woman scream at them off screen. It’s moments like these that bring to mind dark comedy directors like Wes Anderson and David Gordon Green.
25% MAYBE
Unfreedom-poster UN-FREEDOM || “Banned In India” is the first thing you’ll notice about this film. Of course, as soon as you put a label on it like that, it will make people want to see it even more. Delving into controversial subjects like rape, terrorism, and some of the customs in India, the through-line is not completely clear but it does pertain to the life that lesbians face in a world where women are still arranged to me married (to men).
PASS
WalkingOnSunshine-poster WALKING ON SUNSHINE || Yet another musical. Yet another wedding film involving two sisters that were once involved with the same man, one, a lost love from his past, and the other, currently getting married to him, thus driving an awkward wedge between all those involved. The music of the film is from the ’80s for some reason, but the quality of the film feels like something off the Disney channel with zero stars and nothing to back it up.
PASS

THEATER

RENTAL

MOST LIKELY CATCH ON NETFLIX (75%)

PROBABLY CATCH ON NETFLIX (50%)

  • Gemma Bovery

MIGHT CATCH ON NETFLIX (25%)

  • San Andreas
  • Tu Dors Nicole

PASS

  • Aloha
  • Barely Lethal
  • Club Life
  • Gadaar
  • Heaven Knows What
  • I Believe In Unicorns
  • Results
  • Survivor
  • Unfreedom
  • Walking On Sunshine

HELL NO

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